


✿ Truly, Honestly, Pathetic ✿

by SleepyYoonchu, SparklyHyunsung (SleepyYoonchu)



Series: The Star In My Eyes, That Will Never Fade: Hyunsung [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (mostly because I’m basing his personality off of myself but shh), A whole lot of crying, Age Differences, Angst, Anxiety, But it take a minute to get to the cute, Chan, Chatting & Messaging, Cute, Depression, Existential Crisis’, Fluff, Friendship, Getting What You Deserve, Happy Ending, Hardships, Heartbreak, Homophobia, Hyunjin is famous, I’ll add more as I go - Freeform, Jealousy, Jeongin and Jisung are ex best friends, Jisung is a kpop stan, Jisung is a messssss in this omg, Karma - Freeform, Kind of a character study, M/M, Mentions of past self-harm, Minho and Jeongin are kinda asses ngl, Multi, Past and Present, Pining, Polyamory, Possesiveness, Sad Jisung, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Struggle, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Woojin and Seungminnie are going to be the straightees even tho that’s a whole fake, and Changbin are Jisung’s best friends, and so are Jeongin and Felix, but not really, felix - Freeform, isolaphobia (but not in the same term exactly), like y’all don’t even know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-10 06:52:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15286107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyYoonchu/pseuds/SleepyYoonchu, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyYoonchu/pseuds/SparklyHyunsung
Summary: Jisung has never felt more stuck in his entire life. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get over his ex, he doesn’t know how to be social anymore, he doesn’t know how he’ll be able to accomplish what he wants to in his life, and the only thing that truly brings him happiness, is boys on the tv screen. He just wants to find his way in life.Right when everything seems like it’s the most downhill it could ever be, his friends surprise him with concert tickets that will change his life forever.Will he finally be able to feel the happiness he’s been longing for?{or; Jisung hates his life, everything about it, and the only thing he hates more than that is himself. When he’s just about ready to give up, he gets the chance to meet the one person who makes living worth it, and he couldn’t even imagine it would turn out like this}





	✿ Truly, Honestly, Pathetic ✿

**Author's Note:**

> This is sad lol. Well the first half of the story is anyway. I based this off of a lot of the sadness and pain I’ve been feeling lately, and I’m so sorry that I put Jisung through so much in this, but he gets the happy ending he deserves DON’T WORRY. (All the sad stuff is based off of my life and the happy stuff is based off what I think Jisung deserves for all his struggles lol, but in no way do I wish this for myself just to make this clear.) I wanted to make this realistic but also a little fantastic so bare with me. This is crazy and it may take a few chapters for you to get engaged but please, i promise it’s going somewhere. 
> 
> ///Also if you find Jisung annoying in this and really whiny, needy, and or pathetic well, hello, he’s based off of the author, so please, keep comments like that out of the comment section, I’m sensitive (◡‿◡✿)\\\\\
> 
> Anyways, I hope you find some happiness in this piece of trash. Please Enjoy ♡

Jisung stared up at the ceiling fan in his bedroom. It was around 05:30 in the morning, and he hadn’t gotten a bit of sleep, and he could already see the sun starting to rise outside of his window.

The only sound that he could hear in his whole house was the fan, as it creaked everytime it rotated. It was old and made of wood that was now seemingly starting to rot.

He followed the dangling pully-switch that hung from the fan with his eyes as it slowly swayed back and forth from the wind being made.

Slow, thick, heavy tears streamed out of the sides of his eyes as he looked at the switch and thought.

The whole reason he wasn’t asleep and wasn’t able to fall asleep was because of his mind and all of his thoughts that were keeping him wide awake, no matter how hard he tried to sleep.

Jisung would never say he has a bad life. He’s grateful for everything he has.

Of course, that doesn’t mean his life is perfect. Far from it actually.

Han Jisung is currently a Senior in high school. He’s turning 18 in about a week, and he lives in Los Angeles, California in the United States. Though he was born in South Korea, his parents moved with him to California when he was about 3 years old. He’s fluent in both English and Korean and he’s an A-B honor roll student.

When Jisung was in the 5th grade, his parents separated, and his dad moved back to South Korea, while him and his mom stayed in LA. All Jisung could remember in his young years of life, were his parents fighting. He loved both of them, and they loved him, but they never seemed to love each other. Jisung wasn’t surprised when his parents split up. And though his dad left, they still kept in constant contact, and Jisung never felt like he only had one parent. But, when his dad left, it caused a rift in his relationship with his mother.

Without his dad there, the house was quiet. Him and his mother both struggled with his father’s absence, but seemingly in completely different ways. Jisung didn’t feel like he could go to his mother to talk about his supressed feelings about his dad leaving, because he didn’t want to burden her when she was going through the same things herself. And it wasn’t that his mother didn’t get that he was struggling, but she wasn’t quite sure how to help him herself.

Their relationship became strained. They had very different points of view on life, and though Jisung loved his mother and his mother loved him, they never seemed to get along after that. Everytime they’d spend more than a couple of hours together, they would always end up getting into arguments and fights, and sometimes Jisung’s mother would get carried away with anger and become verbally abusive, even though in Jisung’s heart, he knew she didn’t mean it. But obviously because of this, him and his mother were not close.

Jisung felt mostly alone in life at that point. He had 2 best friends. One, Felix, that he had been best friend’s with ever since he moved next door to him when they first came to California. And the other, Jeongin, a boy who he had met in the 6th grade, who was a year younger than him, but seemed to be mature for his age. He loved them both dearly, and he always went to them when he needed them or vice versa, but he didn’t feel like they could fully understand him. They both had 2 loving parents, that lived with them, who also loved each other, and because of this, they couldn’t really relate to all of his issues. But he still appreciated them. So much.

When Jisung was in the 7th grade, he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He had a lot of panic and anxiety attacks, and on top of all of that, he had pretty severe insecurity issues.

The only 2 things that truly made him happy with all of the issues he had going on in his life, were his 2 best friends, and music.

Music was a big part of Jisung’s life. Being born in South Korea, and having both his parents be from there, he’d always been exposed to South Korean music. Korean pop, Korean rap, Korean ballads. You name it. He’d been listening to it all his life. But not until his dad left, did he start to have a deeper appreciation for it.

All the times that he felt alone, and like no one understood him, or when he’d had a bad fight with his mom, or when he wasn’t feeling good about himself, he turned to his music. He started paying attention to the lyrics of the songs he listened too. He found his favorite genres, and his favorite artists within each genre, and he found music and artists that correlated to his life. Music and artists that spoke to him, and helped him realize that he wasn’t alone.

He’d watch their music videos, and performances, and interviews and tv shows, and just feel like they were making music just for him (even if they were thousands of miles away). That they knew exactly what he was going through and knew exactly how to make him feel better. His favorite groups and bands were his friends when he felt that no one else could truly understand him. They were his support when he felt like he didn’t have anything to fall back on.

He showed his 2 best friends (that were also South Korean but were not fluent in the language whatsoever) and bonded with them over it as well.

His friends and his music were his rock, when he felt like nothing was worth it anymore and he just wanted to give up, they helped him to be happy.

In the 8th grade, Jisung met Lee Minho. A boy who made him feel something he had never felt before. Who quickly became one of those things, one of those pebbles that kept him grounded and happy.

But all of that changed Sophomore year.

After being in an on and off relationship for almost 3 long years, the amount of heartbreak someone feels after the final breakup is expected. But is that heartbreak really supposed to last for another 2 years? Really? 2? Like shouldn’t they be over it by then?

Jisung is sure that’s what everyone else seems to be thinking. But, take this into consideration: If that relationship was for the most part what was basically keeping you alive (which yes, Jisung is aware is unhealthy), if that partner was the literal light of your life, and your motivation to do literally anything, if that partner showed you how to be happy when you literally couldn’t find anymore reasons, if that partner was one of your best friends, that you trusted with your life, if that partner was literally your first everything, if that partner just leaves you, for someone probably better, but someone who hadn’t been through any of the things that you and your partner went through together, someone who barely knows anything about your partner, but your partner looks at them as if they’re the entire world, and they started looking at you like...like you’re nothing. Without any warning. Wouldn’t it take you that long to get over them too? Maybe it’s just him, (he definitely needs therapy for more than one reason) but please just...try to understand.

Jisung put his everything into that relationship, which now, he’s aware, was a huge mistake, but it’s too late now. He put his heart and soul into that relationship. He would have done anything for Minho. _Anything_. 

And all he got in return was..

Was an ‘accidental’ picture sent to him, letting him know that Minho was cheating on him.

What he got in return was, Minho telling him ‘I just don’t feel it anymore’ when it came to their relationship.

What he got in return was a huge fight that ended their relationship. 

What he got in return, was seeing Minho walking what used to be one of Jisung’s best friends, to all of their classes instead of Jisung.

What he got in return, was Minho and Jeongin talking about him behind his back.

What he got in return, was whispers and rumors about him. How he was a ‘whore’, a ‘slut’. Even though he had never even done anything with Minho _but love him_.

What he got in return, was absolute devastation. And now, he wasn’t quite sure what to do.

Two years after the break-up, and nothing’s changed. Minho and Jeongin are still together. The rumors are still being whispered about him. He’s still alone. And he still wishes their relationship never ended.

 

Truly, honestly, Jisung was pathetic.

 

Anyone else would’ve picked themself up. Dusted themself off. Found ways to stop blaming themself. Found a way to ignore all the rumors. And found a way to be happy by themself.

But Jisung? Jisung blamed _himself_. Put _himself_ down. Beat _himself_ up. Only found reasons to why it was _his_ fault. He let the rumors get to him. Jisung cried himself to sleep most nights. Avoided everyone but the 3 friends he had left after everything that happened. He hated _himself_ for it. Even more than he already had when the relationship first began.

It’s _his_ fault for getting into a relationship when he wasn’t emotionally stable. It’s _his_ fault that he introduced Jeongin and Minho to each other in the first place. It’s _his_ fault that he couldn’t keep Minho interested. _All his fault_ , that Minho left him.

Or at least, that’s what he tells himself. Because, if it wasn’t his fault, why did it happen? How could it have happened? If Jisung was a good boyfriend, and loved Minho the right way, and treated him the way he wanted to be treated, and always tried to make him as happy as he was, wouldn’tve Minho stayed with him? Wouldn’t they still be together?

Jisung had already been through so much in his life, but he found ways to be happy, to keep him happy, to help him get through all the things he was dealing with. When 2 of those ways, were suddenly ripped from underneath him, he felt like his world was ending. Like, slowly, everything would dissipate until there was nothing left for him to hold onto.

He was lucky that one of his best friends stayed, that with his best friend came two other friends that tried to help him as best as they possibly could. And he was lucky that his music would never leave him. That, that was a part of him that would stay with him forever, that no one could take away from him. _Oh god_ , was he lucky.

But when Minho (and Jeongin) left him, nothing seemed to be good enough, even his music could only keep him happy enough to not want to throw himself off a bridge. His depression constantly weighed on him. His anxiety only got worse after all the rumors and whispers. And his insecurities soared to higher levels than ever before. His friends tried their absolute hardest to keep him happy, to try and help him get over it. But no matter what, _he could never stop blaming himself._

Now it’s 5:30 in the morning, and he hadn’t gotten a bit of sleep, and he could already see the sun starting to rise outside of his window.

The only sound that he could hear in his whole house was the ceiling fan, as it creaked everytime it rotated. There were tears streaming down his face. 

And he was still struggling. As a senior in a high school of kids that seemed to absolutely hate him. With an ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend that seemed to make it their point in life to ruin him. He was struggling. Wondering what the absolute fuck he did to deserve this.

And of course that wasn’t the only thing that was bothering him, no, he wishes it was, because obviously, that’s enough as it is to stress him out.

 _But no_ , not only was his breakup that’s been haunting him for the past 2 years still on his mind and picking at the scabs of his heart, but also him and his mother were on even worse terms than usual lately, and not only that, but he’s a fucking senior for crying out loud, and though his grades are pretty stable, he can’t stop thinking about how he probably will not get into the college he wants, and his mental health is honestly not stable enough for him to live in an apartment by himself, and his dreams of being a music producer / maybe a musician (rapper) himself may as well be shit, because he hasn’t even really produced anything yet, and to get into the college he wants for the major he wants, he has to submit a portfolio of his work and HE HAS NOTHING IN HIS FUCKING PORTFOLIO TO SUBMIT! And there’s only a few months left of school, and applications need to be turned in right after it’s over and he’s honestly so fucking screwed.

After hours of his own mental tormenting, he decides he can’t take it anymore and for the first time since he got into bed at 11:30 the night before, he finally moved to reach under his pillow and put his earbuds in. He unlocked his phone, and went to YouTube, and tapped on his favorite, 3 member boy group, Stray Kids’ channel and clicked on his favorite video of his most favorite member, Hwang Hyunjin, smiling to the camera and just talking about schedules and his life as an artist.

Jisung took a breath.

Hyunjin was the one person in his life, that made him really feel anything anymore since his breakup.

Jisung has stanned many groups since he was a kid. Girl groups, guy groups, mixed groups, solo artists, duets, all of them. And he loved each member of each group with all his heart and he thought of them as his friends, as his family, as his lifeline. But.

Platonically.

Jisung liked to think of himself as a good person, he’d never really thought of himself as attractive, or eye catching or anything like that. When he was with Minho, he had slowly started to learn to love himself more and more, but when Minho cheated on him and left him, all his progress ceased to exist.

Because of his insecurity issues that he’s had for most of his life, he never crushed on his favorite artists like the rest of the kids at his school did, or like most fans did. He never got their posters and hung them up on his wall because he was in love with them, and he wanted to marry them one day. He never talked to his friends about how he dreamed about his favorite idols and how they fell in love and all of that type of stuff. That just wasn’t who he was.

He did buy their posters, but he hung them up because of admiration, because he loved them yes, but not romantically. It was because he loved them for everything they’d helped him through, for making him feel happy when practically nothing else could.

He convinced himself a long time ago, that all of his favorite artists were way out of his league and that he would never be good enough for them. And honestly to Jisung it’s not as self-depreciating as it sounds, because most of his favorite artists were so much older than him anyway, it was just completely unrealistic (not to mention illegal) for him to be dating any of these artists anyways, so he didn’t even want to put that type of bullshit into his head in the first place.

The only idol he’d ever actually thought about romantically, that he’d ever even let himself fantasize about in anyway (nothing too crazy, he wasn’t having wet dreams about them or anything like that, _lord_ ), was Hwang Hyunjin. 

For one, they were the same age, so it wasn’t super unrealistic for Jisung to think about them ever being together. Two, he just could not help the fact that Hyunjin was the most attractive person he’d ever seen in his entire life. Three, from what Hyunjin showed to his fans, he seemed to be the sweetest guy, someone super intelligent, someone amazing that just appreciated what he had, and who wasn’t ever cocky about his fame or money, or anything like that (not that any of his other artists were, but again, there are multiple reasons that were mentioned above about why he wasn’t interested romantically in them), and in all honesty he was exactly what Jisung wanted for a boyfriend. Someone who was so caring, and kind, and talented and BONUS, _super fucking hot_. Hyunjin was just everything Jisung could ever want for a boyfriend.

But, the one thing that kept Jisung from indulging in his infatuation too much, was that, he still _in no way_ , felt like he was anywhere near good enough for Hyunjin. In Jisung’s eyes, the only ones good enough for his idols, were each other. So instead of thinking about the two of them being together, he shipped Hyunjin with another member of the group that Jisung felt was much more fit for him, like he did with all the rest of his other idols (though of course, if any of Jisung’s idols, starting dating someone publicly that wasn’t his ship from his groups, he wasn’t going to freak the fuck out and hate on them in anyway, Truly, he just wants his idols to be happy).

Honestly, he feels pathetic even thinking about the fact that he’s in love with an idol who has literally no idea he exists, and when he knows he’s never going to meet him and that they’ll probably never even cross paths, unless he’s lucky enough to get a ticket to Stray Kids’ concert, which is practically impossible considering how popular they are (not even only in South Korea anymore, pretty much everyone around the world has heard of them by now).

But that doesn’t mean that he isn’t practically in love with Hyunjin. So seeing him and watching his videos and everything, always makes him feel better. Always makes him feel something akin to happiness along with a little bit of hope that helps him keep going whenever he’s really down.

So while he listens to the video (that he pretty much has memorized by now), and the sound of Hyunjin’s voice, he calms down, eventually his tears stop, and he tries his best not to think about anything that he’s currently going through, or to dwell on the past, and he finally closes his eyes and falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Good? Bad? Meh? Idk, I kinda loved it :3
> 
> Kudos, Comments, and Bookmarks are VERY MUCH appreciated! :D
> 
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> 
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> 
> Love~!  
> -Rain <3


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